Sunday, February 12, 2012

I get confused easily.

I'm struggling a lot right now with what I want right now for our family and what I want for our family down the road.  Down the road, I want to be able to work at a small university part-time.  Maybe one day when the kids are grown and gone or at least in high school, I'll go back to work full time.  But until then, I'm thinking two days a week or three half days.  In order to get to that point, I have to go back to school.

But right now I just want to savor time.  I want to soak up as many moments as possible with my kids.  I know that sounds a little dramatic, but I can't get over how quickly they are growing.  I just can't get enough of them.  I'm one of those crazy moments that feels like every minute I'm gone at school is a time missed watching them grow, explore, and learn.  Not in a control freak way, but in a loving, I just want to enjoy their young, little lives while they are young. 

I've been thinking extra hard about this all lately because I took my first test this week and got a D on it.  I NEVER got a D in college - I think I got all As and Bs.  Maybe a C was thrown in there, but definitely NEVER a D!  A freakin' D!  (I think the last time was back in French III in high school - actually I think there were a lot of Ds in French III.)  Oh, I am so mad at myself.  This wasn't in my analysis class either.  If I got a D on an analysis test, I might actually be pleased.  That's how lost I am in that class.  But this was my complex variables class (which means nothing unless you're a math/science person).  Granted, I definitely wasn't studying as hard as I should have been.  But I was not expecting a D.  For the most part, it was a big wake up call that I need to start studying.  I definitely need to maintain a 3.0 this semester (or we'll owe ODU a lot of money).  But I just can't stop thinking about what I really, really, really want to do after this semester. Keep going now - you know, finish what I've started.  Or go back to baking cakes and hanging out with the coolest kids ever (cakes also have their downfalls - unsteady income, late nights in the kitchen, minimal income for the time put out, and it's not what I want to do forever).

And the truth is...I just don't know.  At least not for now.