Thursday, March 6, 2014

Finding Myself Again

I've been a little quiet in this space.  My mind certainly hasn't been quiet, but I haven't known how to channel all the thoughts floating around my mind into something that makes sense.  All wonderful thoughts, but ones that need plenty of quiet consideration and discussion with those I love most.

 
We are in a major season of change in our family.  We moved in August, hubby started grad school, and the kids have been going through major periods of growth and development.  All have been welcome changes, but major changes in life are great for making you pause to evaluate the path you're on.

 
One thing that has become abundantly clear over the past few months is how quickly the kids are growing up.  From the time Jackson was born until some time this past fall, they have required almost all of my time and attention.  Not because they are needy or demanding, but because they were babies and toddlers...and just by the very nature of such beings, they can't do much for themselves.  My days were consumed with their care and making sure I kept them alive.  Some days that was easier than others. 

 
Ever since I was a very young girl, I have known I want to be a mother.  I love being Mannchen and Töchterchen's mother - those two exceed my expectations.  But as they are growing up and becoming capable of doing things for themselves, I've realized I cannot let them become my entire life (or maybe I should say, stay the center of my life).  Our goal as their parents is to raise two independent, intelligent children that will someday leave our home to begin lives of their own.  And I'd rather not fool myself into thinking they are all I need, only to wake up fifteen years from now in an empty house and only then start wondering what to do with my time.


So, yes, they are still quite young and being able to get up, dress themselves, make their beds, and play independently while hubby and I start our morning is only a start.  But it feels like a small piece of freedom after the demands of past few years, a chance to find myself again.  It has led me to start thinking about how much less they need me now and how that will only increase as they continue to grow.

Other than motherhood, I've had dreams for myself - interests, passions, and hopes of more school.  Right now I don't know what I will decide to do with this sense of finding myself again.  I've had plenty of ideas, that's for sure.