Monday, April 23, 2012

Almost over, thank God.

No, I am not taking the Lord's name in vain.  I truly mean, THANK YOU GOD that tomorrow is my last day of working and classes at ODU.  And it will truly be my last....maybe ever, maybe just for the next ten years or so.  Tomorrow is the last 12 hour day away from my babies, with the exception of two much shorter exam periods next week. 

I was a really, really good student at CNU.  I graduated in four years with a B.S. in Mathematics and a minor in Leadership.  I had a 3.76 GPA and I did nothing but study (and run).  That was my life.  And in all honesty, I LOVED my four years there.  If I had to do it over again, I would do it the exact same way.  With the exception of computer programming and analysis, I enjoyed all my classes.  I just assumed I would enjoy graduate school too.  Boy was I wrong.  For starters, I have completely different priorities now.  Imagine that!  Second, it turns out that a masters degree in applied mathematics is comprised of twelve classes and nine of those classes involve either computer programming or analysis...Ugh.  Talk about realizing you're in the wrong graduate program a few weeks/months too late.  But as stinky as that is, I really think most of my unhappiness with school goes back to my first reason - completely different priorities. 

If I had studied 50 hours a week (or at least 30-40), I would have done very well this semester.  But I didn't.  I barely did any work when I wasn't on campus because I have a household to love and care for.  I have food to bake/cook, laundry to wash, dishes to do, a garden to tend, a husband to spend quality time with, and babies to love.  And boy to I love them (and their daddy).  Sorry world, I disappointed you, but I just couldn't set those things aside.  I hate (really, really hate) admitting when I've completely screwed up.  I can do it, I just don't like it.  I screwed up big time by trying to go back to school at this time, in this program.

I might pull of C- in both classes, but that's doubtful.  I guess I'm doomed if I ever try to come back to this program and pick it up again.  But I'm pretty sure I won't.  My heart is just not in it anymore.  I like math, but I think I've reached a point high enough in math that all the parts I like about it are gone(i.e. solving actual problems). 

From here on out, I am putting my full trust in Justin to provide for this family.  I will bake cakes on occasion and tutor high school students in math (because I do still like that kind of math).  Mostly, I will love my family and raise my babies.  I will never work again as long as they are at home.  I will wholeheartedly support Justin's dreams to go back to school and I will be his #1 cheerleader.  Maybe someday, many years from now, I will go back to school for something....but I have no idea what - maybe I'll be a nurse or a midwife or maybe I'll pull off being a homemaker for the rest of my life.  And I am incredibly okay with that.